Bam!

Woohooooo! There I go, the end of the workweek. So glad I pushed through. Sorry that I didn't write an actual post yesterday, but it was a really stressful day. I got some news that put me way out of my comfort zone, and combined that with coffee. I have to admit: I'm a coffee-freak. I love that black, warm, bitter, energizing drink. My only problem is, is that for some reason over the past few years, I've grown more sensitive to it. So when I brew a big pot of coffee, and I like it on the stronger side, and drink more than three cups of it it too short an amount of time, my nerves get overloaded and my sensitivity-levels soar. I'm already a pretty observant and sensitive guy, in a good way. It's not that i'm overly emotional, i'm just very empathic, and feel things very strongly. When having a coffee overdose, this quadruples in strength. So go figure that after a long day, and the explosion of bad news I got, I was waaaaaay too tense and emotional to go cook, let alone go cook a healthy meal. All my senses told me to just cook huge heaps of indulgent food, without measuring or caring if it was too fatty.
That is one of my other things. I'm an escapist. I tend to have a run-and-hide reaction when things happen that I don't like, and at times can have a very low impulse-control when it comes to instant gratification. For that reason I've been sddicted to sigarettes for near eight years. Thanks to my boyfriend I was finally able to quit that unhealthy habit back in 2012, but my craving for instant gratification remained. I guess that's also one of the reason I have started eaten more and more these past few years. The food gives me a happy feeling that I don't easily get from other things. I'm not quickly aatisfied with things, am evry restless and have a busy head. I've been tested for ADHD in the past, but they couldn't determine for sure that i had it. The only conclusion back then, was that I had a really high IQ. That was it. They didn't offer me anybhelp whatsoever with my escapism, or anything. Then again, I don't really think I was open for it back then.
Anyways, back to what I wanted to say, even though I had all that going on, I did manage to cook a healthy meal in the end, of which i'm very proud. And next to that, it was the first night that I felt sstisfied and full after dinner snd for the rest of the night, i'm so glad for that. That means progress is happening. We're going forward, babystep by babystep.

***
Today has been pretty much the same, with the only exception that I was at school from 9h to 16h. My fear was that I would be hungry in between my meals, but I had carefully weighed my lunch in the morning (aka brought it from home), at my oatmeal in the morning, filled a big thermos of coffee for the trainride to school and the first few hours (since I had a sleepless night), but it remained a fear. As it turned out, it was the perfect plan. I had enough in my body to not feel hungry, resist the snacks my fellow classmates offered me, and make it to the evening without much trouble. That's a good day, i'd say.
I do notice that I get so much positive energy from my classmates. We're all so different, yet so much the same. So many different ages, backgrounds, fields of work and study, yet we all get along great, and I notice that when being with them, they inspire me with everything they say and do. In fact, one of them actually was my prime motivatiom for writing this blog. He told me about how one day, he decided that for a short amount of time each morning, every day, he would write a blog. It didn't matter if he knew what to say or not, that time was reserved for writing. I have little structure in my life, and have been looking for ways to give my days more rhythem, boundaries, focus, so that I will thrive. Because i do thrive, only within boundaries an limits set my others (eg in classes, whilst teaching, whilst working, i excel. Clear boundaries, rules, structure). I suck at setting those for myself in my leftover time. So, as I decided to get my life straight at the beginning of this week, i followed his example and started a blog. It's too early for me to say that it is actually helping me, since i've only been doing it for such a short amount of time, but I do think i notice that i'm starting to enjoy getting thoughts and feelings out in the open, in writing, in cyberspace. It's giving me an outlet for the daily routines that i'm trying to implement that i'm sure will become tiresome at some point, like the logging. For now it's keeping me oing. And besides, I love to write. I hope to have an article or paper published when I graduate at the end of the schoolyear. I don't know where that came from but yeah. Visualizing and formulating goals. Bam. Lets do this, future me!

Again, lots of love,

Himmin